Saturday, April 17, 2010
100th Day Anniversary
This afternoon, the whole family gathered to pray for Dad.
Last Thursday was his 100th day death anniversary so we gathered at Mom's place in Woodlands this weekend to pray for Dad to be cared for by The Almighty; for Dad to find peace finally, after battling with lung cancer for over a year.
I broke into tears silently whenever his name was being called out during several of the prayer versus. I thought I had mourned for him enough to be over with being too emotional, yet I embarrassed myself in front of my whole family.
Sonny saw me at my weakest all over again and looked concerned. I put my head down all the time and tried hard to control my emotions as we said the long prayer versus but the tears kept coming and trickled down on my open palms and onto the pages of my Yasin booklet.
Every time Dad's name was called out, my mind pictured him healthy, smiling at me, ready for me to take him to his oncology appointment. Those smiling eyes, sad but peaceful and happy at the same time, unsuspecting of anything terminal about his sickness... or did he already know?
I felt so much of a liar for not letting him and Mom know the truth about his cancer when it was first diagnosed. I also did not tell him when it was in its final stages. I still wonder whether I had done the right thing.
All of my siblings decided not to tell our parents, and I know I am not to shoulder the blame all alone either, but I cannot help feel guilty for not telling Dad because I was with him for all his oncologist visits and eventual hospitalizations.
I am not sure how many people saw me weeping discreetly as I could but it was contagious enough for youngest Brother who sat beside me to get affected and broke into his silent tears too.
After the 1 hour prayer session, I noticed Mom had puffy eyes too apparently shedding tears for her late and beloved husband of almost 60 years. I saw a few of my sisters with red-puffy eyes too. I guess everyone's feelings are still very much like mine.
The gathering was never without good food but I was not as enthusiastic to eat as I would if it were a happy occasion. The food spread was astoundingly delicious-looking but I just did not feel hungry.
Not many were feeling hungry either, so the whole spread was more or less being sampled by everyone. It ended up being packed home by all the family members. We just sat around and chatted the night away... keeping up with everyone.
"We'll go through this journey of having our first of everything... without Dad." Youngest Brother said when he saw Dad's neatly folded plastic bags, as we were packing the food. Something that is so true being said out loud, so clearly.
It was a nice and moving prayer session.
It was also nice to be altogether again... for Dad, may peace be upon him. Amin.