This afternoon, the whole family gathered to pray for Dad.
Last Thursday was his 100th day death anniversary so we gathered at Mom's place in Woodlands this weekend to pray for Dad to be cared for by The Almighty; for Dad to find peace finally, after battling with lung cancer for over a year.
I broke into tears silently whenever his name was being called out during several of the prayer versus. I thought I had mourned for him enough to be over with being too emotional, yet I embarrassed myself in front of my whole family.
Sonny saw me at my weakest all over again and looked concerned. I put my head down all the time and tried hard to control my emotions as we said the long prayer versus but the tears kept coming and trickled down on my open palms and onto the pages of my Yasin booklet.
Every time Dad's name was called out, my mind pictured him healthy, smiling at me, ready for me to take him to his oncology appointment. Those smiling eyes, sad but peaceful and happy at the same time, unsuspecting of anything terminal about his sickness... or did he already know?
I felt so much of a liar for not letting him and Mom know the truth about his cancer when it was first diagnosed. I also did not tell him when it was in its final stages. I still wonder whether I had done the right thing.
All of my siblings decided not to tell our parents, and I know I am not to shoulder the blame all alone either, but I cannot help feel guilty for not telling Dad because I was with him for all his oncologist visits and eventual hospitalizations.
I am not sure how many people saw me weeping discreetly as I could but it was contagious enough for youngest Brother who sat beside me to get affected and broke into his silent tears too.
After the 1 hour prayer session, I noticed Mom had puffy eyes too apparently shedding tears for her late and beloved husband of almost 60 years. I saw a few of my sisters with red-puffy eyes too. I guess everyone's feelings are still very much like mine.
The gathering was never without good food but I was not as enthusiastic to eat as I would if it were a happy occasion. The food spread was astoundingly delicious-looking but I just did not feel hungry.
Not many were feeling hungry either, so the whole spread was more or less being sampled by everyone. It ended up being packed home by all the family members. We just sat around and chatted the night away... keeping up with everyone.
"We'll go through this journey of having our first of everything... without Dad." Youngest Brother said when he saw Dad's neatly folded plastic bags, as we were packing the food. Something that is so true being said out loud, so clearly.
It was a nice and moving prayer session.
It was also nice to be altogether again... for Dad, may peace be upon him. Amin.
My father always said, "Tears cleanse the soul." Please never been embarrassed or "weak" from crying. It is what you needed and it is unfortunate you couldn't have shed them without feeling somehow guilty or "less than" when you are SO MUCH MORE than you obviously realize. My brother has been dead 3-1/2 years and many days a WEEK! I still can cry about missing him or what he went through or wishing I could have even one talk with him. 100 days is such an infinitesimal amount of "space" and it is a process which can raise your consciousness to places you never expected...honoring those we love and miss so much who have gone before us. Allow yourself "good grief" (catchy little phrase for a serious meaning) and see all the good that can come from knowing that "there is strength in weakness" and that tears do cleanse your Soul.
ReplyDeleteI also saw the photos from when you and Wifey went to the beach and showed them to my husband Jeff. Those are so beautiful and I felt so happy for you both that you could be there. There is a song by a group called Little Feat called "Voices on the Wind". If I had the words right now I'd type them for you. The song wasn't one of the more popular but is so meaningful and beautiful to me. If you could search for it on You Tube or even Google?? The words are very good.
Thanks for your comment on my post ... and sorry for my less than stellar language ;o( ... my dad said I talked like a lumberjack sometimes. Don't mean to offend (hence my "disclaimer" right under my blog header ;oD)
Spring is beautiful here, so many lovely trees blossoming and flowers coming up. I have no film and no digital and where I used to have them developed + get a photo CD to download to my computer stopped doing it and I am hesitant to "evolve" into digital cameras since my 35 mm is so wonderful with its zoom. Missing these photo ops is very difficult, though!
I'll see what I can do and make it a priority.
Take good care of yourself and never feel guilty for not telling your father the "truth". I wouldn't doubt that he already knew and wanted to "spare" you, also, as you all were doing for him. Possibly.
SisSTAR