Monday, January 18, 2010

Thinking Of You

It's been two weeks since Dad's passing.

I have been thinking about him so often and intensely so, for the first week. I cried secretly when I did. Not wanting to show this weakness to my family. I don't know why but I don't want to... my private time with Dad, I guess.

After the first week, Dad's face has been popping in and out of my mind everyday, but I no longer shed tears for the loss.

I don't think my personal mourning period is over because I don't cry or feel overwhelmingly sad any longer. I think I have found a more meaningful way of mourning for Dad.

Every time I think of Dad, I recite a prayer for him. Instead of trying hard to suppress my tears, I recite the Al-Fatiha for him... food for the soul in the after life. It is encouraged to do so. It is good for him and for the living to ease the pain.

I don't know if I am right. Right, being sure that I am managing this sadness part of my life right. I mean, will I get overwhelmed again and burst out crying like a child for his Dad? I think I am the only grown man to say something like this. I have not heard or read anybody saying such things... then again, I don't read widely.

I do miss Dad and I don't want to forget him... his face... his jokes... his kindness.

That face, that always smiling face whenever our eyes met.

That wander and gratitude look carved in his face whenever we arrived at the many places I brought him... the new, local places when we had my family outings and especially the faraway, foreign places I brought my parents along on my family vacations.

Besides spending time with them, taking them to new places to experience it first time as my first time too is the least I could do for them... for making lots of sacrifices all their lives to care and bring up their children.

The look on their faces, that joyful yet humble look... priceless! That, and the many good times we spent together... I will treasure.

I am missing my Dad but when I look at Mom, her loss is a thousand times greater than mine.

"We were married for 60 years," Mom told me during one of our daily phone calls. "I miss him very much." She will start crying and we will pause for a while before she regains composure.

I had to take my first urgent leave off work on Monday to be with her. She requested that I accompany her for the day. She was not eating much, just one meal a day and became weak, falling sick and coughing especially at night.

It has been tough on her. Dad and Mom were inseparable. They had always been together. They insisted to live alone, in their own home, in their own privacy. All they requested was our time to spend with them.

To not let Mom be home alone, my sisters have been taking turns accompanying her. My eldest niece has moved-in with her to keep her company. She is watching over her medications and especially upkeeping her nightly insulin injection routine.

She stopped doing it quietly since Dad's condition got worse. She was too preoccupied and depressed to put effort to care for herself.

Our talks on the phone always lead to conversations about Dad. It is very tough on her but hopefully spending time with her at her home will somewhat soothe her and ease her pain of loss. It is an efforts all of Dad's children are putting to care for Mom now.

Dad will always be in my mind. I don't wish to forget anything about Dad, the good and the bad because the memories will keep him real in me...

We will take care of Mom for you.
We will say a prayer for Mom to be blessed,
as we have been to have you.

I will say a prayer for you after my five daily prayers.
I will say a prayer for you whenever I think of you.

I will not forget your humility and kindness,
because you have planted it in me to be so too.

I am missing you, Dad...
I will love you forever.



  1. Oh Muhd, there is no "Right or wrong" way to grieve for your Dad. And yes, oh yes, crying is a good release. I even wish I could cry easier..but it doesn't come easy to you I learned to hold it in as years went on. However I know that crying is so releasing to your sorrow and loss...a good way to feel things "through". Doesn't matter whether man or woman, we all cry.

    This is a process of grieving for you will take time...all the time you need to feel and let our your however you release it. I am very glad you wrote how your feeling in your blog. It's a good way to release too...the writing it out.

    You nor anyone, can be strong all of the time. Allow yourself to be "Strong enough" to be vulnerable and cry your tears alone or with someone.

    Keep writing out your feelings in your blog. Know that you are not alone. Imagine people all the way across the world are your friends and we are all thinking of you and wrap our angel wings around you.

    Blessings and love,


  2. I am so glad you have posted my good friend although I think it's important that you have had some space...
    Grief is a very personal experience and everyone of us has a different experience.
    There is no text book kind of grief...
    My thoughts and prayers are with you...I have always thought that for writers like we are, it helps so much to write it all down, how we feel...
    I will call by again soon to see how you are the meantime, take care x x x

  3. Hello Muhd, just wanted to stop in to let you know I was thinking of you and your family. It is such a "raw" time of emotions, isn't it? I went to a few programs that the funeral home gave when my parents died and learned a lot from them...about what they called "sneakers" those times when something sneaks up on you so fast it can be overwhelming and out of the blue. For me, I went to the grocery store where I'd always shopped for my folks and saw the doughnuts, things my mother loved so much, and burst out crying. Another time I was looking for a greeting card for some reason and saw something for a mother or father or to a daughter and started crying, then right away I saw a card with a little girl with her hands on her hips admonishing me to "Snap Out of It" which mom often said to me if I was having a little fit about something, and I started to laugh (and now own 3 things with that little girl on it! ha!) ... but other people in the programs talked about many things that derail you, like a man finding his shoe in the freezer where he'd put it without knowing, and dreams or visions of seeing the beloved people they'd lost. What I am trying to say in too many words is: Be gentle with yourself and even though your country or society or religion or whatever may allow little room for expressing emotionality outwardly, never, ever be embarrassed or feel less than the strong person you are if you break down now and then with a "sneaker" or just what is in your heart... missing your father you've always and still do love so much. Try not to too much take on others' grief also ... just being your kind self is sufficient. Allow others to do their grieving with your support, and you will know what's best for you. "Things will never be the same," is something I learned when my father died. I was blessed to have my mother 7 years afterwards. I wish you many blessings and the allowing to feel what you feel and be who you are inside. Sending you strength and love from your SisSTAR.

  4. I am so sorry for you and your family's loss in your dad's death.
    Your mom and he married 60 yrs. that is amazing!
    How is your mother doing?
    Such a shock after all these years.

  5. I am so sorry about your father, I hope you're able to bring your mother through the dark days back to a joyous life.


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Thanks again and have a good day.

Muhd Imran
PAL Blogger