Monday, January 18, 2010
Thinking Of You
It's been two weeks since Dad's passing.
I have been thinking about him so often and intensely so, for the first week. I cried secretly when I did. Not wanting to show this weakness to my family. I don't know why but I don't want to... my private time with Dad, I guess.
After the first week, Dad's face has been popping in and out of my mind everyday, but I no longer shed tears for the loss.
I don't think my personal mourning period is over because I don't cry or feel overwhelmingly sad any longer. I think I have found a more meaningful way of mourning for Dad.
Every time I think of Dad, I recite a prayer for him. Instead of trying hard to suppress my tears, I recite the Al-Fatiha for him... food for the soul in the after life. It is encouraged to do so. It is good for him and for the living to ease the pain.
I don't know if I am right. Right, being sure that I am managing this sadness part of my life right. I mean, will I get overwhelmed again and burst out crying like a child for his Dad? I think I am the only grown man to say something like this. I have not heard or read anybody saying such things... then again, I don't read widely.
I do miss Dad and I don't want to forget him... his face... his jokes... his kindness.
That face, that always smiling face whenever our eyes met.
That wander and gratitude look carved in his face whenever we arrived at the many places I brought him... the new, local places when we had my family outings and especially the faraway, foreign places I brought my parents along on my family vacations.
Besides spending time with them, taking them to new places to experience it first time as my first time too is the least I could do for them... for making lots of sacrifices all their lives to care and bring up their children.
The look on their faces, that joyful yet humble look... priceless! That, and the many good times we spent together... I will treasure.
I am missing my Dad but when I look at Mom, her loss is a thousand times greater than mine.
"We were married for 60 years," Mom told me during one of our daily phone calls. "I miss him very much." She will start crying and we will pause for a while before she regains composure.
I had to take my first urgent leave off work on Monday to be with her. She requested that I accompany her for the day. She was not eating much, just one meal a day and became weak, falling sick and coughing especially at night.
It has been tough on her. Dad and Mom were inseparable. They had always been together. They insisted to live alone, in their own home, in their own privacy. All they requested was our time to spend with them.
To not let Mom be home alone, my sisters have been taking turns accompanying her. My eldest niece has moved-in with her to keep her company. She is watching over her medications and especially upkeeping her nightly insulin injection routine.
She stopped doing it quietly since Dad's condition got worse. She was too preoccupied and depressed to put effort to care for herself.
Our talks on the phone always lead to conversations about Dad. It is very tough on her but hopefully spending time with her at her home will somewhat soothe her and ease her pain of loss. It is an efforts all of Dad's children are putting to care for Mom now.
Dad will always be in my mind. I don't wish to forget anything about Dad, the good and the bad because the memories will keep him real in me...
We will take care of Mom for you.
We will say a prayer for Mom to be blessed,
as we have been to have you.
I will say a prayer for you after my five daily prayers.
I will say a prayer for you whenever I think of you.
I will not forget your humility and kindness,
because you have planted it in me to be so too.
I am missing you, Dad...
I will love you forever.